Thursday, July 5, 2007

since when does being gay equal being easy?

hello all.

i have a problem. (apparently.)

whenever i go out to the bar, or meet a new couple, inevitably, for some reason, i get propositioned. and not just sleazy come-ons from drunken idiots. i'm talking REALLY sleazy come-ons from drunken (and sometimes sober) idiots.

no, really. i can't remember the last time i went out to the bar and WASN'T asked to have sex with a couple.

No, no, NO i will NOT sleep with you and your girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, lover, best friend. no, i won't bang your girlfriend while you watch, and no you can't videotape the session to watch later. just because YOU'RE attracted to me does not mean that I'M easy. i've gotten this even from people i know well.

i'm sorry, but fulfilling your fantasy is not my prerogative. if i'm into you, you'll know it. if i wanted to sleep with more than one person at a time, it's certainly not gonna be with a couple. not that i'm opposed to others doing what they want in a healthy, mutually satisfying way, it's just not my thing. to my taste, it just invites drama, especially among friends. i don't sleep with men, and i don't sleep with straight women. period. and buying me shots to get me even more liquored up is not gonna help. i happen to feel that my sexual experiences are mine, and i'm not about to give that to someone else. it's my body, and my business. it doesn't get me hot.

in fact, this comes up so much that i can usually spot it well before it happens, but i really don't know how to go about combatting it. the other night, i'm at my usual watering hole, and of course, the inevitable situation occurs. i'm polite, but firm in my denial, trying my best not to roll my eyes, screaming on the inside. they walk away, and my friend turns to me and asks why this always happens to me. i wish i knew. i rant that i guess i'm just the token male-friendly lesbian. not that this excuses any of it away. i'm not about to feed into some chasing amy scenario. fuck that.

but then, someone on the other side of me says, it's not that i'm some male-friendly lesbian, it's that i'm hot. and that i should just get over it.

um, what?
just because someone thinks i'm hot, that suddenly makes it okay to pester me about having sex? i guess i'm asking to be hit on, because you're attracted to me? makes perfect sense. it's just another attempt for straight males to assert their dominance and enter what is a hands-off zone for them. apparently, i'm some sort of easy conquest or perceived open door to infiltrate, objectify and destroy lesbian structures. i'm sorry, that's not flattering to me.
i guess the real reason i'm typing this entry today, besides the chance to rant a bit, is because i haven't met other lesbians that have this happen to them on a regular basis. do any of you women have to deal with this? how do you view it? i really am just so tired of it all.


Cara said...

I'm not really qualified, both because I don't go to bars and because I'm straight. But if I had to take a guess, I'd pin it on the popularization of "lesbian" porn and the myth that any non-butch lesbian woman is actually bi. It's all this fucking mainstream media double-standard bullshit that deamonizes gay men as perverts and sexualizes lesbians as super hot, sexy and slutty.

But hey, that's just a guess.

Erin said...

I get it, too. And I view it much like you do. Sometimes it almost feels predatory when acted out in a particular way. I just want to scream, "I am not here for YOU!" Cheers to your post.

Roy said...

See, I never knew this happened to you. That sucks.

I'm gonna make a wild guess that it happens less when, say, you and I hang out, yeah? I can't imagine why that would be. Of course, it must be because you're objectively less hot when I'm around. Or, you know, it could be that your perceived hotness has nothing to do with it. Blah.

Was it someone that you know that suggested it was about your hotness, or was it a total stranger?

I'm trying to decide which would bother me more.

assembling words to armory, she waits... said...

so sorry i haven't been blogging lately ~ so very much going on. meh.
cara, yeah, i think you're on the right track. i think it's that many d-bag straight men see lesbians as so outside of their sphere of influence they need to find a way to 'bring them back.' how do they do this? demoralize and sexualize them, much as they do straight women. if they can believe that all women are available to them, like some vaginal buffet, their superiority is reasserted. if their targets don't respond, well, they're just bitches that won't give them the time of day. i mean, it's not like they're gay or have free will or anything. and right on about the media. if i see one more stupid ad with two straight girls making out for drooling pig-men, i'm gonna vomit on my shoes. a lot.

thanks erin! i'm sorry that you have to deal with this bs too. i'd love to discuss strategy to combat it?

roy, thank you for bringing up the point that hurt me the most. i've managed to *somewhat* callous myself to all the pickup attempts. (and how unfortunate is it that i've had to do that?!?) but the person that turned to me and told me to 'deal with it' is a friend, a male that i'd considered to be more enlightened than his dismissive comment. and it definitely bothered me more than a stranger just yelling that out. when someone i don't know makes an offensive statement, i don't feel (as)guilty about redressing them in public. if it's a friend, it hurts much more deeply, and i tend to hold back and let it eat away at my insides. healthy? not in the least, but it's just how my clock ticks. and of course, when we hang out, this doesn't happen. didn't you know i turn off my ever-powerful hotness beam when you're around? yep.