i've so far shied away from it...

the horrendous trans* phobic media mishandling of a detroit native's murder a week and a half ago.


i've talked to friends about it, we've hashed and rehashed, all the tragedy, the bullshit, the ignorance, the loss. frankly, the idea of blogging it gave me a twinge of the shudders.




as coverage increases, so do the number of bigots and insensitive comments. and so it has to be discussed, and where better than the blogosphere?

refusing to release the victim's name is simply harmful to the community. is the family ashamed that their relative may be trans*? are they trying to honor hir by keeping the name out of the press? perhaps they're angered (and rightly so) that the police are continuing to refer to a murder victim as 'a man in women's clothing?' ugh ugh ugh. until we get more information, we'll never know...



the bottom line is, SOMEONE WAS SHOT IN THE HEAD IN A PARKING LOT. what sie was wearing is not the focus. bringing hir killer to justice should be the goal.



RIP

saying goodbye, or death is only a heartbeat away

i was just told that my grandmother passed away. she was 80, i believe. a very strong and determined woman, she raised 5 children, only to outlive three of them. she eloped at the age of 16, marrying my grandfather who was about to enter the navy during world war II. both parents disapproved of their relationship, so he came to her window and she ran away. they remained married for more than 50 years before he passed away a couple of years ago.



i'll never forget her telling me the story of their first meeting. she was playing softball, and my grandfather saw her playing, and ran up, spun her around, and kissed her, right in front of everyone. she punched him in the face. it was love.



most of my earliest and fondest memories involve them. they did the typical grandparent-y things, such as feed me lots of treats and take me shopping. but they were much more than just the typical holidays and special visit relatives.




to say i had a tough childhood would be an understatement, but i'm going to leave it at that. when i was 13, the summer before i was to enter high school, i was kicked out of my house. my grandparents generously took me in, caring for me and supporting me, eventually obtaining guardianship over me. i lived with them through high school, and seasonally during college. i felt so fortunate. my grandmother had diabetes and osteoporosis, which caused her to continually break her hips and legs until finally she was moved to a hospice/nursing home to receive better care. she fought bouts of depression and the eventual onset of alzheimer's before passing away.



her strict and devout baptist faith often caused the two of us to have heated discussions regarding religion and lifestyles. when i was six weeks old, she started taking me to church, and i regularly attended through a good portion of middle school, until puberty hit, and i became questioning and resentful toward a very close-minded faith. my grandmother loved jerry falwell and anita bryant, and i distinctly remember her sitting me down and asking me if i knew what homosexuality was and how it was evil. i never told her i'm gay. she once told me she wanted to live long enough to see me graduate from college and marry a nice boy. i told her that she shouldn't hold her breath, lol.




regardless of our political and personal differences, i admired her greatly. she was a strong woman, and basically raised her children on her own, as my grandfather owned a trucking company and was rarely home. she got a job at a time when women were supposed to stay at home, as a secretary and bookkeeper, and later worked part time at a grocery store, just because she loved to work. she watched one child die of crohn's disease, and buried another in the horrors of vietnam. a third died of alcoholism-induced diabetes, followed shortly by her husband, the single love of her life besides god. she's seen more tragedy and hardship than seems possible.



yet the woman was unshakable, and when angered, angels feared to tread. she was 5'2", and though my grandfather was 6'4" and a tough tattooed naval officer, he stayed out of her way. she was also charitable, loving, generous, and forgiving. i love her very much, and she'll be sorely missed. RIP

national trans* day of remembrance

today is the day.

all this past weekend, i've been holding and comforting him. he's so young, and still, everyone looks to him for guidance. he doesn't want it, but obligation weighs too heavily. he hoists the worries, agitation and fears of the entire group onto his tiny shoulders, facilitating discussions he doesn't want to have, offering advice to those years further along in their journeys. i see the strength and wisdom within his large, dark eyes and understand why they turn to him. the man is barely two decades old, and yet so firm in who he is! he's a bridge for those younger and older, face of a child and voice of an adult ~ universally relatable. for all his efforts he's still lost, confined in a form that's not his own.





he comes to me worn and exhausted, silent except to say that he's tired. there's a world of meaning behind those few words. he gently places his cheek on my lap. i stroke his head and down his back, feel the binding that constricts his skin, and cannot wait 'til he is able to live in a skin that is truly his. it's true that the ones most deserving of justice often receive the least. so i do my best to help, and hope that he knows i'm here. i can't pretend to understand what he's going through, but there's a part of me that wants him to just let me share a bit of that burden. when he smiles, it melts me.




for all those mourning, today and everyday, please know that you're not alone. someone wants to care for you, people will listen. or, if you're too defeated to speak, can offer a hand, a shoulder, or maybe a good joke or two.




youth that need someone to just listen for a while, and help, can call:


Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender (GLBT) Youth Support Line
800-850-8078


if you witness or experience a trans* hate crime :
Gay & Transgender Hate Crime Hotline
1-800-616-HATE



both of these numbers are toll-free in the us. and for all those we have lost, RIP. transgendered day of remembrance is a day we celebrate the lives of our friends, lovers, peers, both known and unknown to us. but it of course shouldn't be simply confined to one day. every day we keep those souls in our thoughts and hearts. a single day is hardly enough to hold all those victim to hate and bigotry. but it's a start.

how you can help celebrate ian benson's life

a big thank you to all who have linked to my site and given kind words of support re: the unfortunate passing of ian benson. friday night, a candlelight vigil was held in his honor at black river public school in holland, mi, where ian had attended the prior year. (he was home schooled beginning this year.) i lit my candle from home and quietly mourned the loss on my own. amazingly, the holland sentinel published a short piece on the event.

if you'd like to help celebrate ian's memory, and the memory of so many other trans* people whose lives ended much too prematurely, you can join in the amethyst ribbon campaign. donations/purchases can be made here.

**i officially changed ian's name from guarr to benson, per comments at questioning transphobia. ian was to have his name changed officially in the courts on the wednesday following his passing. RIP**

RIP Ian Guarr

sadly, i received this email this morning from triangle foundation, michigan's leading LGBTQ activist organization, and i thought i'd share:



Dear [name removed],

It is with a heavy heart that I share the tragic loss of one of our community's beautiful children. Ian Guarr, a 16-year old transgender young man from West Michigan, took his own life on Monday. The Guarr family have been staunch allies and good friends of Triangle Foundation from the beginning of their journey. Ian's mother Amy is a founder of TransYouth Family Advocates (http://imatyfa.org), a national organization addressing the issues facing transgender youth and a national partner of Triangle Foundation's Camping.OUT program.

Ian was one of my daughter Chloe's dearest friends. Ian was sensitive, thoughtful, brilliant, hilarious, and painfully shy. Our world is less bright without Ian's presence. Even with an amazingly supportive and loving family such as Ian had, the youth of our community face an incredibly difficult path. In the United States, every hour an LGBT youth commits suicide. The statistics for transgender youth are even more harrowing -- the attempted suicide rate is higher than 50%!

Ian's family did everything right. They loved, cared, and advocated for who Ian knew he really was –not just for who society wanted him to be. This community owes the Guarr family a debt of gratitude for all that they have done for Ian as well as for all transgender youth.

Triangle Foundation joins our friends at TransYouth Family Advocates and TransActive Education & Advocacy in once again renewing our commitment to working with and on behalf of transgender, gay, lesbian, bisexual and questioning youth who, like Ian, are struggling with a society that is often unwilling to accept them for the unique and beautiful people they are. Our work will continue until no young person feels that suicide is their only option.

Please join Triangle Foundation in sending our loving thoughts to Ian's family, loved ones, and the community which joins them in mourning his loss.

Sincerely,

Colette Beighley and the Triangle Foundation family

PS. Please reply to this email if you would like Triangle Foundation to pass a message along to Ian's family.

If you are, or you know, a young person thinking of suicide, please know that you are not alone and help is available. Contact The Trevor Project immediately at 1-888-488-7386 or visit www.thetrevorproject.org for help and more information.

i hope someone catches these motorbike assholes

my condolences to the families, friends, lovers, affected by this tragedy.

i am constantly humbled by the idea that i've had the benefit of an education. and my family had hardly to worry that walking out the door to go to school (school? i mean, i have a vagina, how DARE i?!?) was an invite to terrorist threats and murder. and although americans live in the wake of the columbine and vtech shootings, we're still a world (quite literally, in this case) away from being warned by terrorist organizations to not leave our homes to learn.

i wish i could get the bad taste from my mouth.