so spitzer's resigning... thank gods!

... but does that remedy the situation? i mean, the man's been dubbed the new eliot ness, for chrissake, and he's rumored to have charged over $80,000 in prostitution charges! i'm so sick of the hypocrisy!!! and what's the allure of paying $4,300 a session for sex? i just don't understand it. not to mention what kind of sleaze gets into an argument with a prostitute about her insistence upon clean sex? now i'm not trying to pass judgement on the type of sex that people choose (or choose not) to have, but unprotected sex, especially when you're very obviously committing adultery and have multiple partners, is just idiotic and dangerous. charge that jerk already and get him outta the headlines. i'm already sick of reading/hearing/etc. about it.

national trans* day of remembrance

today is the day.

all this past weekend, i've been holding and comforting him. he's so young, and still, everyone looks to him for guidance. he doesn't want it, but obligation weighs too heavily. he hoists the worries, agitation and fears of the entire group onto his tiny shoulders, facilitating discussions he doesn't want to have, offering advice to those years further along in their journeys. i see the strength and wisdom within his large, dark eyes and understand why they turn to him. the man is barely two decades old, and yet so firm in who he is! he's a bridge for those younger and older, face of a child and voice of an adult ~ universally relatable. for all his efforts he's still lost, confined in a form that's not his own.





he comes to me worn and exhausted, silent except to say that he's tired. there's a world of meaning behind those few words. he gently places his cheek on my lap. i stroke his head and down his back, feel the binding that constricts his skin, and cannot wait 'til he is able to live in a skin that is truly his. it's true that the ones most deserving of justice often receive the least. so i do my best to help, and hope that he knows i'm here. i can't pretend to understand what he's going through, but there's a part of me that wants him to just let me share a bit of that burden. when he smiles, it melts me.




for all those mourning, today and everyday, please know that you're not alone. someone wants to care for you, people will listen. or, if you're too defeated to speak, can offer a hand, a shoulder, or maybe a good joke or two.




youth that need someone to just listen for a while, and help, can call:


Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender (GLBT) Youth Support Line
800-850-8078


if you witness or experience a trans* hate crime :
Gay & Transgender Hate Crime Hotline
1-800-616-HATE



both of these numbers are toll-free in the us. and for all those we have lost, RIP. transgendered day of remembrance is a day we celebrate the lives of our friends, lovers, peers, both known and unknown to us. but it of course shouldn't be simply confined to one day. every day we keep those souls in our thoughts and hearts. a single day is hardly enough to hold all those victim to hate and bigotry. but it's a start.

shout out quick question friday...

hey all. just had a big long discussion with a friend on this subject, and i figured that i'd open it to the blogging world. okay, so here's the question at hand...

which is worse: the reality of an actual dramatic situation, or the worrying/anxiety surrounding the dramatic situation?

for me, it seems lately to be the getting worked up about a potential drama, rather than the actual situation itself. for instance: yesterday, a friend told me a very interesting story. she goes to see this non-traditional therapist that deals with auras and helps her manage her anxiety. most of the focus is on taking control of your environment and managing your senses so that you can recognize your fear and remove yourself from it, rather than dwelling in it. her therapist told her of an instance where she was able to successfully achieve this:



the therapist, we'll call her jen, is hearing impaired. jen is in a parking garage talking to a friend. a driver in a car behind them begins to back out of her spot, not noticing the chatting duo. unable to hear the car approaching, the therapist continues to talk. several people walking by begin to shout at her and wave their hands in the air to warn about the car. jen finally sees hands waving, looks up, and sidesteps right into the path of the car. the driver at last sees her and stops ~ right on her foot. now jen could've freaked out, but instead she closes her eyes, breathes deeply, and calms herself before telling the woman to pull forward. she does, and jen's foot is freed. she is rushed to the hospital, where, after an examination and x-rays and such, the doctors tell her her foot is fine, because it was relaxed. if jen had tensed her foot at all, she'd've broken virtually every bone in her foot! and all because she was able to remove herself from the situation and calmly deal with it. it's all very buddhistic, isn't it?



anyway, with all my anxiety and irritations with the world lately, that story just really helped me, and being able to deal with things as they come, rather than worry about the potential negativity in what could come. how do you guys feel about that? do you find actual situations to be worse than your perception of them? or do you have any cool stories of being able to remove yourself from your fear or worry?


i can't help but picture john cameron mitchell as the immortal hedwig saying "i feel so optimistic."

anxiety rears its ugly head again...

i don't know why i cycle this way, but it seems that every time i start to pay more attention to my blog, and keep up with everything i inevitably freak out and can't post for about a week or so. and i know i missed a lot last week.


i didn't get to participate in the protest against judge deni for her horrid 'theft of services' ruling and her reelection (which she freaking WON), four of the jena six went into court for pre-trial, complete with nationwide protests, my company got bought by some large corporate giant which means i could lose my job, ENDA's transphobic version passed in the house, my roommate tried to fight some guy for groping me in the bar, and i went on a pretty cool date.



i also have had multiple panic attacks lately due to my doctor changing my meds yet again, and it's taken me about 4 days just to type this tiny bit of info. and now i'm stopping, because i can't handle typing any more. i'm so mad at myself, and i'm sorry for being so negative about life. keeping up with a blog shouldn't feel like work, but for some reason lately it does. hopefully my meds will even out and this will become a passion again.

good luck alex ~ and dubai can kiss my homo ass!

so i posted a lighthearted entry earlier today, thinking i wanted to stay away from anything too heavy. but then i read this, and all that changed.


dubai is famous for its decadence and overindulgence in all things worldly. the shopping there is said to be some of the best in the world, and money changes hands there in the billions. it's beautiful, extremely modern, and sleek. oh, and then apparently they outlaw homosexuality and deny raped teen males justice.


alex's attack is horrid. absolutely horrifying. first, he's taken out to the desert, threatened and raped by three different men and dumped in front of a hotel. add to being gang-raped by three different guys the fear and shame brought upon his family. mix in a doctor that won't do blood tests or a proper examination, accuses him of being gay, and then officially states that there was no evidence of forced assault.

"Then he cleared the room and told Alex: 'I know you’re a homosexual. You can admit it to me. I can tell.'"

top it all off with the fact authorities withheld for months information that one of the men is HIV positive!! thank gods his parents are strong enough and supportive enough to be fighting for prosecution. to avoid ARREST, (arrest for being raped!!!!) alex had to flee the country. i'm surprised he stayed as long as he did (he left a month into his 10th grade year at school; he'd been attacked on bastille day, july 14th) but he stayed in order to pursue prosecution. now he's been told that he could be sentenced to a year in jail. even typing that almost made me vomit.


and his alleged attackers? all three claim innocence, despite the fact that their sperm was found inside of alex. also interesting:

"United Arab Emirates law does not recognize rape of males, only a crime called 'forced homosexuality.'"

note how they are sure to mention homosexuality within the framework of wrongdoing, but not rape. because the real crime here is being gay, not sexually assaulting another human being.


UAE's government is indeed fucked up. this is the worst kind of double (at least) victimization. and unless they seriously change their judicial system, i'm sure things like this will continue. being gay is not a crime. rape victims are just that; victims. i don't think it's that difficult to understand. best of luck, alex ~ though i don't quite get that his attorney says he's looking for the death penalty for his attackers? *shakes head*

Blog for the MOTHERS act day!

today is the official blogHers day of action re: postpartum depression and the MOTHERS act.

depression in general has a reputation of being an invented or maudlin, self-serving disease. i cannot reiterate enough that DEPRESSION IS VERY REAL. the 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps and just get over it' mentality that so many people adopt is not applicable. that is not to say that individuals can't do anything at all to help themselves; of course they can. but when you have a child, all of those overwhelming thoughts feelings, the anxiety, pressure, and alienated feeling that surface can be symptomatic of a DISEASE, and help is available. when one out of every 10 new mothers experience this, it's serious, and can be deadly.

katie corcoran has been missing since september 5th as a result of post-partum psychosis. she was seeking help when somehow she was sent away from the hospital in a cab. her family hasn't seen her since.


take action and inform your representatives on the MOTHERS Act here. the act would help by expanding research on PPD to better diagnose, treat and uproot causes of the disease, which is currently unknown. it would also increase education and provide two grants to healthcare professionals in order to help them recognize and treat PPD. if you're a new mother, or know a new mother that seems to be/are feeling any or all of these symptoms:

• Sluggishness
• Fatigue
• Exhaustion
• Feelings of hopelessness or depression
• Disturbances with appetite and sleep
• Confusion
• Uncontrollable crying
• Lack of interest in the baby
• Fear of harming the baby or oneself
• Mood swings – highs and lows

please get help! PSI has an 800 number to call for confidential advice and assistance. these symptoms can occur immediately after your baby's birth or even a year later, and vary greatly in spectrum. we have to do something to remove the embarrassing stigma attached to post-partum mood disorders. therapy, medicine, or a combination of both can be used to help keep you and your loves safe, happy, and healthy.

pop quiz: what do anorexia and ecstasy have in common?

apparently, a protein called 5-HT4R. this is really great news for scientists, as it solidifies the claim that anorexia is a disease, and gives them a substantial way to look for a cure. basically, research has found that people become addicted to not eating, and get a sort of seratonin high or rewarded feeling from refraining from food, in the same way as ecstasy users. as an anorexia survivor, i relate very solidly to this information. further information is discussed here, from reuters, and earlier in the year from the telegraph.

what does this mean to those suffering from the disease? well, if scientists can find ways to block the 5-HT4R receptors in the brain, then theoretically, anorexics would no longer get that addictive high from not eating (and conversely, the punishment and depressive feelings that result from ingesting food.)

this is most certainly not to say that if a suitable pill is manufactured that those afflicted would be miraculously cured. therapy is an essential aspect to successful treatment. i can't emphasize that enough. without being able to get to the root of your problems, you can never escape them. i truly believe that we are a society of quick-fixes and cure-all elixirs, obsessed with harder, bigger, faster, more. recovery takes time. that's why, almost ten years cured from my disease, i still fight it everyday. each bite of food that goes into my mouth, i have to work not to calculate calories, fat grams, look at what's on my plate. when i dress in the morning, i have to repeat mantras over and over again that i'm not fat, that the dress WASN'T looser on me the last time i wore it, etc. i'm at a healthy weight, even if i look in the mirror and don't see it. i enjoy food now, instead of obsessing over it. and i owe so much of that to the doctors that helped me what seems like a lifetime ago.

but just like alcoholism, you have to take things one day at a time. eating disorders are more serious, imho, though, because you can remove alcohol from your diet and place yourself in situations where it's not present. no one can just remove food from their diet ~ that's the basis of the problem! without it, you die. with it, you obsess. not to minimize the seriousness of alcoholism, but that's my stance. so hopefully, 5-HT4 will become a positive supplement to anorexia, and many more people can get help.

panic, mania, depression, etc.

depression and anxiety have had me locked away from here for the past few weeks. blogging should not induce panic attacks, but then again, panic attacks aren't about reality and rational fears. most of the time, i'm basically regurgitating news clips anyway, nothing too personal or putting my reputation at stake, and yet...

i've tried to post about 50 times since my last quick blurb, only to either run from my keyboard, avoiding my computer altogether, or begin entries that would freeze me mid-sentence and cause a heart-pounding, head-lightening freakout. ideas would be bursting out of me and then suddenly crash. i'm sure if i looked at my drafts right now, i'd cry.
anyone out there had panic attacks or manic seizes? anxiety attacks tend to begin without warning (known 'triggers' excluded.)

simultaneously trapped within and disconnected from your corporal body, it's surreal and extremely frightening to have to fight for breaths and control of your limbs. hyperventilating is common, but so is that heavy 'i'm gonna pass out or fall asleep right here' feeling. the need to hold on to something arises. you're a helium balloon tentatively tied to a toddler's wrist. beating the air, pulling away, torn back down. at the mercy of the environment, you sway and bounce. the ebb and flow isn't the calm, rhythmic motion of the sea, but an errant toss and jerk, sans direction or purpose. you can't forget to breathe, but it becomes harder to remember as your head grows heavier and the ground seems to tilt. why is one side of your body suddenly a paperweight, while the other half is lighter than air? being vertical seems an impossible feat! how do people do it? as these thoughts burn the edges of your brain, other thoughts are battling for the forefront of your mind, racing at dragstrip speed through your head. everything that could go wrong is currently occurring and you have no way to stop anything. you get over the strangely euphoric, terrible and seductive sensations and are abruptly torn back to reality... a reality in which you're shaking, sweating, tight-chested and nauseated. the tympani of your heart's pound is orchestral in your ears, and that memory of breath suddenly becomes all you want, but cannot have. you'd do anything just to get some air into your lungs, but it suddenly can't go. you try to focus, but all you can manage are shallow gasps for air ~ the rest of you is just too preoccupied with the plethora of problems it's having. you've shattered, and sweeping up the remains is a seemingly endless and daunting task. you don't seem to have a center. there's nothing there to hold you in; you're a million autonomous units that have no operator. you're screaming inside to grab that broom, to reach out, to rally the troops and focus as a whole again. you reach and reach and after an eternity of stretching: you manage. a mantra begins to repeat in your mind: you're gonna be okay, just breathe, just breathe, breathe, breathe.... tentatively, your body responds. your head straightens slowly where it had been tilting more and more to the side. (it no longer seems to weigh SO much.) you're sweating less, your eyes switch into focus. you're still shaking, but you can actually see your hands enough to realize what they've been doing. control of your legs and the sensation of them touching the ground reinstates. blinking a couple of times, you take that one slow deep breath that actually seems to somewhat fill your body. and it's over.

manic moments are different. ideas flow like lava, the world is suddenly within your grasp, ridiculously easy to wield and weld to your command. how do people not get it? you want to share your secret with everyone everywhere ~ they all must know! you rush to tell the universe, or maybe just the person next to you. you're warm, your face is flush, eyes bright and wide with intensity. you begin to speak, but speech is too slow for the fire in your brain. or perhaps you're typing. fingers can't work fast enough for all that's pouring forth. you skip entire words, sentences, paragraphs and ideas, convinced that you're waxing poetic and doing the world a great service. people tell you to slow down as you excitedly meander through ideas on every conceivable subject, topic or issue. vaguely, you notice their raised eyebrow and condescending smile. you stumble on the outpour and are jerked back down from your excitement. why can't people understand you? why doesn't what you just typed make sense? only moments ago you held the skeleton key to life's secrets and it was all too simple! paranoia strikes. you delete sentences, paragraphs, eventually the whole of what you've created out of the knowledge that it's worthless. and not only that, but YOU'RE worthless! how could you possibly have believed you know anything at all? that your creative outpour is anything but garbage? you have no ability or capacity to finish anything, achieve anything. you're a loser. why try. turn off the computer and shut the fuck up. retreat.

this has been my MO for the past couple of weeks. sorry to toss it all out like some tacky salad, but i think it's made me feel a little better. erin, you yelled at me to just 'do it,' and so i did. hurray to a doctor's visit next week.