swamped with work and life... aka the return from boston

this is just a super-quick post to let y'all know i haven't forgotten... i'll be updating SOON SOON SOON on wam! and the super-awesomeness therein.


what a great time! met some cool people and basked in some fantastic discourse.


i'm uber-eager to give you my take on things, as well as recount strange tales from the cambridge marriott, lol. work has me playing mega-catchup, however, and that has to take precedence a ce moment.


anyway, just wanted to give a brief shout out and promise of women, action and the media goodness! cheers!

allow me to retort... and defend myself a bit

personal vs private.


lighthearted vs serious.


political vs social.

why is there so much guilt and pressure with combining these elements on blogs? i've stressed over and over about how much to conceal and reveal about myself when purporting to promote a blog that deals with gender and sexuality issues, rights, freedoms, and injustices. i feel guilty when i express feelings and musings on my personal life here. similarly, i feel sterile and cold when i simply link to articles and world issues. i mean, writing about passions should be relatable, non?


so then why do we feel badly about combining the two? isn't that how are lives work anyway? can you have one without the other? (successfully and honestly, of course.) i think not.


i've gotten feedback from RL friends (whatever that means, anyway, lol) that make statements regarding the hinges i've swayed to my past and present conditions and situations. conversations always progress to effect of:
'wow, i never knew you had __________ or that you've dealt with __________. why didn't you tell me before? are you okay? i'm really sorry, etc. etc. ...'


to which i reply (and please, count this as an official response in the here and now) :



how would you know that? i never told you, and honestly, i probably would never tell you, as it's my life, and not necessarily your business. it's not that i'm attempting to hide anything, it's just that, on a day to day basis it's not quite appropriate, or the situation rarely arises to talk about such personal things. i mean, how often do you walk up to acquaintances and begin spilling your guts about family members passing away, how privileged you were (or weren't) growing up, or times you've spent in the hospital? if i've given you a link to my blog, i'm comfortable enough to share these things with you there. that doesn't necessarily mean i want to have some huge heart-to-heart about it. that's what the blog entry is, and you should treat it as such. if you want to begin discourse, there's a comment section at the end of every entry. use it, please. don't wait until we're hanging out and make a comfortable situation awkward. i love you. i promise. if stories result organically, they will, and that's fine. bringing up bs in person is just that: bs.


so now that i've ranted a bit regarding RL vs OL communication, let me take this entry back full circle:


i'm happy with the amalgamation this little insignificant blog has become. life is a mixture of the personal and political, and i refuse to apologize for toeing that line, and i'm no longer going to feel guilty for double dutching over it. if i want to spend three weeks discussing the type of heels i wanna wear, then sobeit. and by a turn of the screw, if i prefer to simply post links and discuss nothing but NPR discourse for the same amount of time, then i'm gonna do it. mix and match, messied all together in a boulliabaisse of blog. because that's how my life tends to be. i won't have it any other way. amen.

into you like a train

if i had a dollar for every time i thought i could fall in love...

i'd still be poor.

but maybe i'd have enough for bus fare to get me the fuck out of here.

how much for a smile?

i've been giggling more in the past week than in the last year.

i melt for your smile and touch

that irrepressible flush that so often floods your cheeks

belieing your age.

i can't believe it's for me.

on second thought:

fuck the dollars...

i only need one.

anxiety rears its ugly head again...

i don't know why i cycle this way, but it seems that every time i start to pay more attention to my blog, and keep up with everything i inevitably freak out and can't post for about a week or so. and i know i missed a lot last week.


i didn't get to participate in the protest against judge deni for her horrid 'theft of services' ruling and her reelection (which she freaking WON), four of the jena six went into court for pre-trial, complete with nationwide protests, my company got bought by some large corporate giant which means i could lose my job, ENDA's transphobic version passed in the house, my roommate tried to fight some guy for groping me in the bar, and i went on a pretty cool date.



i also have had multiple panic attacks lately due to my doctor changing my meds yet again, and it's taken me about 4 days just to type this tiny bit of info. and now i'm stopping, because i can't handle typing any more. i'm so mad at myself, and i'm sorry for being so negative about life. keeping up with a blog shouldn't feel like work, but for some reason lately it does. hopefully my meds will even out and this will become a passion again.

good luck alex ~ and dubai can kiss my homo ass!

so i posted a lighthearted entry earlier today, thinking i wanted to stay away from anything too heavy. but then i read this, and all that changed.


dubai is famous for its decadence and overindulgence in all things worldly. the shopping there is said to be some of the best in the world, and money changes hands there in the billions. it's beautiful, extremely modern, and sleek. oh, and then apparently they outlaw homosexuality and deny raped teen males justice.


alex's attack is horrid. absolutely horrifying. first, he's taken out to the desert, threatened and raped by three different men and dumped in front of a hotel. add to being gang-raped by three different guys the fear and shame brought upon his family. mix in a doctor that won't do blood tests or a proper examination, accuses him of being gay, and then officially states that there was no evidence of forced assault.

"Then he cleared the room and told Alex: 'I know you’re a homosexual. You can admit it to me. I can tell.'"

top it all off with the fact authorities withheld for months information that one of the men is HIV positive!! thank gods his parents are strong enough and supportive enough to be fighting for prosecution. to avoid ARREST, (arrest for being raped!!!!) alex had to flee the country. i'm surprised he stayed as long as he did (he left a month into his 10th grade year at school; he'd been attacked on bastille day, july 14th) but he stayed in order to pursue prosecution. now he's been told that he could be sentenced to a year in jail. even typing that almost made me vomit.


and his alleged attackers? all three claim innocence, despite the fact that their sperm was found inside of alex. also interesting:

"United Arab Emirates law does not recognize rape of males, only a crime called 'forced homosexuality.'"

note how they are sure to mention homosexuality within the framework of wrongdoing, but not rape. because the real crime here is being gay, not sexually assaulting another human being.


UAE's government is indeed fucked up. this is the worst kind of double (at least) victimization. and unless they seriously change their judicial system, i'm sure things like this will continue. being gay is not a crime. rape victims are just that; victims. i don't think it's that difficult to understand. best of luck, alex ~ though i don't quite get that his attorney says he's looking for the death penalty for his attackers? *shakes head*

so i've been musing...

sometimes it's hard to write. it's hard to focus when there are a million and one issues about which i could be ranting. it's especially hard when i read all of these amazing posts everyday from other bloggers.

they all just seem so PERTINENT, with mine weak and irrelevant in comparison.

i'm the type of person that reads something, has a visceral, gut reaction, and have to put my thoughts down NOW NOW NOW or i lose them. i'm a totally 80s ADD child.

not to mention the fact that i'm at work, where i should be concentrating on cleaning up album information or fixing some bad hyperlinks on our database. (i'm a tech editor, for those of you who don't know)

and to top it all off, it's friday, and i just got back from a five day mini-vacation to chicago. in short, my brain is roughly the consistency of a sopping wet bowl of grits.

this doesn't stop me from feeling guilty.

if others can manage to balance all of these things plus manage to consistently post amazingly thoughtful blog entries, well, dammit, i'm sure gonna try.

but apparently not now, 'cause a coworker wants me to accompany him to borders.